****LATE BREAKING NEWS....eighth anniversary for the death penalty in new york state and still no one is dead. is there a volunteer, please? CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

****THE ONLY POLE WITH NO MARGIN OF ERROR (scientific, statistical, stuff)....do you think $140 million pay package is fair and would you like to have one? the guy who ran the new york stock exchange was getting this and he was told to take a hike. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

****YENTA YACK FROM THE BACK OF THE HACK (what they are talking about in the back of the taxi)....madeline albright, former secretary of state under bill clinton discovers again that she is jewish. (was the word “under” the proper word to use?) she is in the city to promote a new book called “madam secretary.” we give it the sub title of “yiddle by yiddle.”

****FOOD COURT (your biggest danger in coming to the big apple is that you are going to get fat)....now this was a novel idea, hampton hotels gave away a free breakfast to new yorkers this past week. who do you think was first in line? all we have to hear is the word “free.” hampton hotels brags about its free breakfasts at its hotels, but we bet they don’t know that some people have gotten free showers at them also. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

****THE "HEY ABBOTT AWARD OF THE WEEK" (the biggest silly around)….professor kent greenfield is a professor at boston college. he doesn’t want his fancy lawyers to join the army. he thinks only mail order ambulance chasers should represent our soldiers in legal matters. we have challenged him to a debate in his classroom about this. he won’t answer that is for sure. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

****INCOMPREHENSIBLE HUMANITY (strange things that people do to other people)….jewish organizations are going to picket the new mel gibson movie “the passion” which they say implies that the jewish people killed jesus. black organizations are going to picket the new anthony hopkins movie because he portrays a black man trying to pass off as a white man. the name of the movie if you can believe this, is “the human stain.”

****TOUR DE WEEK (visiting the big apple)....tfm radio in the united kingdom is running a seven week promotion with the winners getting a trip to nyc and a tour with the gabby cabby. the first winners this past week also got $1,000 bucks to spend. you would have thought that they would have at least bought the gabman a new pair of sneakers. here is a picture of the winners. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

****IT ISN'T JUST A GAME (sports talk)….male sportswriters and sportscasters are picking on monday night football tv host, lisa guerrero, because she is “too good looking.” give us a break, you ugly grotesque sportsmen. we give three slurps to lisa.

****ACTION, CAMERA, ROLL IT (little vignettes of new york city)....portable toilets here there and everywhere on the streets of the city. how about the one with a dead man in it? amazingly, people stood in line for thirty minutes.

****JAYSON BLAIR/NEW YORK TIMES AWARD OF THE WEEK (they neglect to mention)….a report in the paper indicated that foreign tourism is down in the big apple. this was attributed to people afraid to come here because of terrorism. not so. it is because they can’t afford to come here and be gouged.

****DO I PAY THEM OR DO THEY PAY ME? (most interesting cab fare of the week)….the passenger who told me that he was on his way to a store called condomania in our greenwich village section of manhattan to be fitted for a condom. it seems that size does mean something after all. we shall explain. tastefully. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

****THE STORY BEHIND THE STORY (the truth, the truth, nothing but the whole truth)....the former mayor giuliani went to ireland and said something about the proposed ban on smoking in that country. he came back to new york city and he said he was misunderstood. let us understood him for you.

****SOMETHING THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW (shhh. shhh)....in the last couple of years seven people died in elevator accidents in the city and seven inmates committed suicide in our prisons. is there a connection?

****CELEBRITY SIGHTING (who i saw that you know)....when i mentioned that i see celebrities on the streets of the big apple, someone asked me if i see “big ones.” well, i saw sophia loren this week.